Knowing How To Beat Social Anxiety

The most effective way to show you how to beat social anxiety is to share how I work with social anxiety is simply to walk you through what it might look like in a therapy session. If we haven’t met, I’m Oliver, a therapist in Los Angeles who’s spent nearly a decade helping people challenge the rules anxiety tries to impose on their lives.

Social anxiety isn’t just about being shy—it’s an internal alarm system that misfires in social settings, whispering lies about your worth and convincing you that everyone’s watching, judging, or waiting for you to mess up. And yet, despite how common it is, most people never get the support they need—about 80% never seek help.

If you’ve ever felt your heart race before introducing yourself, blanked during a meeting, or replayed a conversation in your head for hours, you already know what this can feel like.

You can take the free social anxiety quiz I created to get a clearer picture of how this shows up for you—and when you enter your email, I’ll also send you a free email course that explains how I work with anxiety and why changing your relationship with it matters more than just managing symptoms.

The Hidden Rulebook of Social Anxiety

After years of clinical work, I’ve seen that social anxiety tends to follow a strict (but invisible) set of rules. These aren’t rules you agreed to, but they activate the moment something social is on the calendar.

Rule #1: The Comparison Contract

This is one of anxiety’s favorite tricks. It convinces you that everyone else is smoother, more confident, and better liked.It sounds like:

• “Everyone else knows how to do this—you don’t.”

• “You’re the only one who feels this awkward.”

• “If you were more [funny/charismatic/relaxed], you wouldn’t struggle like this.”

• “Look at her—she’s not panicking like you.”

Whether it’s watching people mingle at a party or scrolling through social media, this mental comparison kicks in—and anxiety thrives on it. The more you compare, the more inadequate you feel. That feeling of being “less than” makes it easier for anxiety to convince you to stay quiet, keep your distance, or not show up at all.

Rule #2: The Self-Attack Statute

This one says that if something feels off, it must be your fault.It turns your brain into a 24/7 error-checking machine:

• “Did I say too much?”

• “Was that story boring?”

• “They didn’t laugh—did I come off weird?”

• “I should have said something smarter.”

Oddly, this kind of over-responsibility gives a sense of control: if you’re the problem, maybe you can fix it. But it also creates a cycle of shame and withdrawal, keeping you stuck in your head and out of connection.

Rule #3: The Small Is Safe Directive

This is the rule that tells you to shrink your life to feel secure.It says:

• “Skip the party—you might not know anyone.”

• “Keep your ideas to yourself—they’ll probably get ignored.”

• “Cancel the date—you’re not ready.”

Over time, your comfort zone becomes a cage. The more you avoid, the smaller your world becomes—and the more threatening anything outside that bubble feels.

Social Anxiety Symptoms

Social anxiety disorder isn’t just being nervous or introverted. It’s a clinical condition marked by intense fear of being judged, scrutinized, or embarrassed—often accompanied by physical symptoms like:

• Rapid heart rate

• Trouble breathing

• Sweating or shaking

• Muscle tension

• Nausea or lightheadedness

  
  

These reactions can kick in before, during, or even after a social interaction. Tasks like making phone calls, speaking in meetings, or even chatting with friends can feel overwhelming. People often report avoiding eye contact or replaying conversations for hours afterward, wondering if they “messed up.”

What makes this different from shyness is the intensity and the toll it takes—social anxiety can genuinely limit your life. It feeds on avoidance, isolation, and negative assumptions about what others think of you.

If any of this feels familiar, know that you're not alone—and you don't have to stay stuck.

Why Coping Skills Aren’t Enough

In most anxiety treatments, you’re taught to “manage” symptoms with things like breathing exercises or mindfulness. But those can backfire if they’re used the wrong way. Here’s why:

1. They Create Dependence

Breathing techniques or grounding exercises are meant to help, but they can become psychological crutches. You end up thinking, “I can handle this only if I use my coping tool.” And what happens when it doesn’t work?

2. They Encourage Avoidance

Coping strategies often aim to reduce discomfort instead of helping you tolerate it. But true growth happens when you feel the discomfort and stay present—without trying to shut it down.

3. They Interrupt Emotional Processing

Trying to calm down too quickly can block you from processing what’s underneath. You skip over the meaning and emotions that need to be explored in order to change the anxiety cycle.

4. They Reinforce the Idea That Anxiety Is Dangerous

When relief becomes the goal, anxiety starts to feel like something that must be escaped. This gives it more power—not less.

Instead of coping, what if you learned to relate to anxiety differently?

Our Approach to How To Beat Social Anxiety Treatment

We offer both individual and group therapy for anxiety. Group work can often be more effective (and efficient) than months of individual sessions, especially when it comes to social anxiety. But unlike most anxiety groups, we don’t just offer generic relaxation exercises or meditations. We teach clients to change the way they relate to their anxiety.

Here’s how:

Metacognitive Awareness

We help you notice and name anxiety’s patterns—so instead of getting swept up, you can observe it from a distance. That shift alone starts to reduce its power.

Building Tolerance for Uncertainty

Anxiety is fueled by the need to feel certain and in control. Our work focuses on helping you function even in the presence of not knowing, without shutting down or pulling away.

Engagement, Not Avoidance

Instead of shrinking away from discomfort, we teach you to step toward it—strategically. You’ll learn how to challenge anxiety’s rules and try new behaviors, not just survive the moment.

Experimentation Over Exposure

Rather than “white-knuckling” through feared situations, we use experiments: small, curious steps that give you real-time evidence that anxiety’s predictions aren’t always right. This builds confidence and a sense of agency.